I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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