Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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