it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
