if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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