Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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