you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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