I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
