Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
