it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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