So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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