Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
