I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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