Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
