I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I could make wine with my vomit
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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