me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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