i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
