Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
