On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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