Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
