just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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