you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
