I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
