Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
