...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
