Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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