even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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