she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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