i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
