So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
