Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
