He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
