i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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