Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
