i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize