i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
