My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
