And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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