Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
