My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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