All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is Oprah even human
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
