i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
