apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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