At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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