I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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