Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
