I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dick very happy bro
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
