i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize