He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
