awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Someone signed my nipple.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
