I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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