Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
