I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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