I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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