He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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