Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
