i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
