In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
