so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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