Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
