Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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