Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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